4.28.08

I had an interesting conversation last night with my boyfriend. He started talking about the summer and how busy he was going to be with his internship in Roseville and how gas is going to be so high by then, that he would not be able to make trips to the Bay Area as often. I'm just sitting there, taking this in, and then my brain goes "uh oh" because I know where this is leading. Then he asked me, "What should we do?" and I said, "Are you saying we should take a break over summer?" and he said, "Yeah...." Oh shit. You know what? This sucks! I don't think I want to take a break, but he seems so up to it. Either that means that we can date/ see other people, or just that we are not in a relationship. I am starting to feel the ways guy's feel when a girl says "we need to talk," which he actually said... ironically. I am just stating to see with the way he has been acting it makes more sense that there is another woman in his life, other than his mother. I just has to be it. I thought, being the normal person I am, he is just stressed and busy with school. And now I am starting to think that he has completly different reasons to ignoring my calls and texts and never wanting to hang out anymore. Oh, on top of that, I just found out that they guy that likes me (the one that is one of my ex-friends ex boyfriends) does not like me enought to be in a relationship, even if Alex and I were to break up, which is basically what is happening. I love him, he doesn't love me. I probably scared him away by saying how I feel. Sorry I actually have feelings Alex!
As you can tell, I am a little angry by this, becuase anger is the only way I can express myself. Really, I am truely hurt by everything that is going on. I just feel very alone. This whole weekend I spent time with me, myself and I, and it sucked, royally. Even the people that are not mad at me act like they are. For example, this morning I texted Cory seeing if he wanted to grab some lunch (like we normally do on MWF afternoons) and he says he can't, which is fine, he typically can't anyways, with his frat and all. But then I get to the bus stop, wait for a few minuets, and low and behold, guess who shows up? Yep, Cory (who I think I hear in the hall outside...). I didn't ask him why he didn't want to eat with me, I just said, "did you want to grab lunch at Craig?" And he says, I think I am grabbing lunch with Ashley at 1, and I thought in my head, well you could have just said that in the text earlier, you didn't even have to mention ashley, you could have just said, I am going to have lunch with someone else. Then we were talking and I accidentilly patted him on the back, completly forgetting that he had a sunburn, and he basically is like, "don't touch my back, actually, just don't touch me ever" and I can understand the back part, but really, I can't even give you a hug? Seriously? What is going on here? He just said it in a way like he was discusted by me, and I don't know why. I don't know what to think of this becuase I consider Cory one of my best friends here in Chico, and its hard to not cry about it, but it really does hurt my feelings that he made me feel so alionated like that... I guess thats what I get for letting people get to close to me, and letting them too close to my heart because they can tear it out. I really only trust two people in Chico right now, and its a lonely feeling to only consider two people to be your friends. I think they are just hanging out with me because we are rooming together next year, and just thinking about it like that make me even more sad.
Also, yesturday I had lunch with everyone (Ashley L., Ashley D., Cait, Mel, Josh, and Cory) and at first I did not sit at their table, I sat as far away from them as I could while still being within hearing distance, and someone said (I think Mel, one of my roommates next year) "why is MB sitting alone?" and so I think Ashley L. said to come and sit with them (despite Josh's silent, but obvious protests). Then I just sat there, not really saying much, and since I was on the outside, I got people's food for them, trying to be nice, and then Josh made a comment about his side of the table (the both people, Cait, Ashley's and him) how that was the "cool side" or something, and I know he was saying it just to bug me, but then one of the Ashley's said something that the 3 girls in the both were the cool side.... I don't know, I just think Josh is still acting like a girl in everything that he does, and it gets annoying. Even if he decided to "forgive me" I still would not talk to him, OK, maybe talk to him, but not really. I don't trust at all anymore, nor will he be able to gain that trust back. Everything I have ever told him, he turned it around to make me seem like an arrogant fool or and evil person or a dumb blonde. For example, one time when I was talking, I randomly got this accent (I call it my ghetto accent) and I said, "I'm from Berkley" but the way I pronounced it made Josh believe that he could make fun of me for any time he talked to me. I also told him, and Lian, that I like David. So what? I can't find a person attractive. He is just stupid, and annoying, and a girl. If you met him, you would know what I mean. First impressions are everything, and most people that talk to me after meeting Josh for the first time either this he is crazy fun, or annoying as hell.