4.28.08

I had an interesting conversation last night with my boyfriend. He started talking about the summer and how busy he was going to be with his internship in Roseville and how gas is going to be so high by then, that he would not be able to make trips to the Bay Area as often. I'm just sitting there, taking this in, and then my brain goes "uh oh" because I know where this is leading. Then he asked me, "What should we do?" and I said, "Are you saying we should take a break over summer?" and he said, "Yeah...." Oh shit. You know what? This sucks! I don't think I want to take a break, but he seems so up to it. Either that means that we can date/ see other people, or just that we are not in a relationship. I am starting to feel the ways guy's feel when a girl says "we need to talk," which he actually said... ironically. I am just stating to see with the way he has been acting it makes more sense that there is another woman in his life, other than his mother. I just has to be it. I thought, being the normal person I am, he is just stressed and busy with school. And now I am starting to think that he has completly different reasons to ignoring my calls and texts and never wanting to hang out anymore. Oh, on top of that, I just found out that they guy that likes me (the one that is one of my ex-friends ex boyfriends) does not like me enought to be in a relationship, even if Alex and I were to break up, which is basically what is happening. I love him, he doesn't love me. I probably scared him away by saying how I feel. Sorry I actually have feelings Alex!
As you can tell, I am a little angry by this, becuase anger is the only way I can express myself. Really, I am truely hurt by everything that is going on. I just feel very alone. This whole weekend I spent time with me, myself and I, and it sucked, royally. Even the people that are not mad at me act like they are. For example, this morning I texted Cory seeing if he wanted to grab some lunch (like we normally do on MWF afternoons) and he says he can't, which is fine, he typically can't anyways, with his frat and all. But then I get to the bus stop, wait for a few minuets, and low and behold, guess who shows up? Yep, Cory (who I think I hear in the hall outside...). I didn't ask him why he didn't want to eat with me, I just said, "did you want to grab lunch at Craig?" And he says, I think I am grabbing lunch with Ashley at 1, and I thought in my head, well you could have just said that in the text earlier, you didn't even have to mention ashley, you could have just said, I am going to have lunch with someone else. Then we were talking and I accidentilly patted him on the back, completly forgetting that he had a sunburn, and he basically is like, "don't touch my back, actually, just don't touch me ever" and I can understand the back part, but really, I can't even give you a hug? Seriously? What is going on here? He just said it in a way like he was discusted by me, and I don't know why. I don't know what to think of this becuase I consider Cory one of my best friends here in Chico, and its hard to not cry about it, but it really does hurt my feelings that he made me feel so alionated like that... I guess thats what I get for letting people get to close to me, and letting them too close to my heart because they can tear it out. I really only trust two people in Chico right now, and its a lonely feeling to only consider two people to be your friends. I think they are just hanging out with me because we are rooming together next year, and just thinking about it like that make me even more sad.
Also, yesturday I had lunch with everyone (Ashley L., Ashley D., Cait, Mel, Josh, and Cory) and at first I did not sit at their table, I sat as far away from them as I could while still being within hearing distance, and someone said (I think Mel, one of my roommates next year) "why is MB sitting alone?" and so I think Ashley L. said to come and sit with them (despite Josh's silent, but obvious protests). Then I just sat there, not really saying much, and since I was on the outside, I got people's food for them, trying to be nice, and then Josh made a comment about his side of the table (the both people, Cait, Ashley's and him) how that was the "cool side" or something, and I know he was saying it just to bug me, but then one of the Ashley's said something that the 3 girls in the both were the cool side.... I don't know, I just think Josh is still acting like a girl in everything that he does, and it gets annoying. Even if he decided to "forgive me" I still would not talk to him, OK, maybe talk to him, but not really. I don't trust at all anymore, nor will he be able to gain that trust back. Everything I have ever told him, he turned it around to make me seem like an arrogant fool or and evil person or a dumb blonde. For example, one time when I was talking, I randomly got this accent (I call it my ghetto accent) and I said, "I'm from Berkley" but the way I pronounced it made Josh believe that he could make fun of me for any time he talked to me. I also told him, and Lian, that I like David. So what? I can't find a person attractive. He is just stupid, and annoying, and a girl. If you met him, you would know what I mean. First impressions are everything, and most people that talk to me after meeting Josh for the first time either this he is crazy fun, or annoying as hell.

4.24.08

Ok, so a few updates in my life. I am currently wearing a brace, and I am hoping that my hand is not broken. I went to the student health center and they just gave me some Vicoden to make the pain go away at night. If there is still pain on Monday or Tuesday, I need to go back and get an x-ray. It kind of sucks because I was planning on drawing for Kiwi or one of the two birthday girls (Cait and Ashley). Also, I have been debating whether or not to get Ashley a gift, because she and I are not on good terms. Wait, let me rephrase that, she is not on good terms with me, and I could care less, sort of relationship, unfortunately. We were so tight, then she started to drink, and go out with that group (we were two of the four people in the group that don't enjoy drinking to have fun, but now it is me and one other friend. I guess Chico does have an effect on some people). Anyways, I have a candle, but I don't know if I want to give it to her, or just keep it for myself....
Other than that, I have been having trouble with Alex again. I think we have just grown apart, sad, but true. He does not hang out with me, except on the nights that he knows I have something, which is Monday, with bible study, and Thursday with IV. The last time I saw him was Monday, and I was with Cory at the same time, as well as this other guy from IV and his name has gone away from me. Before that, we went to the movies with Lian and Sean, and the last time it was just the two of us must have been a few weeks ago. I don't even remember the last time I slept over. I understand that he is busy with school, but so am I, and I have free time. I don't know what to do, and it is bugging me. Even last night, I asked if he wanted to hang out, and he said he would rather have a guy night. I thought, "what have you been doing all these other nights if your not having a guys night?" I don't want to know what a guys night is, but I know it can't be good. GRRRRRRRR!!!!! Men! I give up!

4.18.08

So I guess yesterday was better than the rest of this past week. Actually, that's probably because it was Friday. I decided not to go down to Davis until later, because, honestly, the only reason I am going down is to switch cars with my parents, give them a few things in my room that I do not need, and to finally get my Christmas present (a set of speakers for my iPod, I am really excited). I knew I was going to be too tired for the Grad, plus I wanted to spend more time with Alex (bf), and and we are doing so much better now.
So I stared to apologise to the people that I have wronged, but I am still not sure who all it is. Talked to Ashley, wow, that was awkward and difficult, because she didn't really tell me what was bugging her, other than the whole ex-boyfriend thing that happened a long time ago. So way back in the day, when they were still dating, I asked said guy to come eat with us at Pluto's, since no one else thought of it, including his girlfriend.... wa wa waaaa. Anyways, apparently asking him (even though he couldn't come) made her mad. I am sorry, I become closer friends faster with guys, especially if at the time I know they are not interested in me. Then I find it easier to trust them because I know they are not looking for a certain something. I think I am going to 'scream' through a text, and see what he says, because the other is there". Also, tried to talk to this one guy that I always seem to get in arguments with. Ok, I do admit that apologising through a text was a not good at all, but it was either trying to sound nice and calm in a text rather than start screaming at him, which is what would have happened. I won't make that mistake again. But jeez, are you serious? I am starting to realize that he is just not worth my time. I think the best way to describe our relationship is, "we just hang out with each other because the other is there." We live on the same floor, right diagonal to each other. I even think he added me before he met me... creepy, but it is Josh, and everyone who meets him, their first impression is always the same: "Is he gay?" and I say "I am not sure". Even though he is always like girls girls girls girls girls, all the time, I don't know. He does act strange, but that could be him just being extremely metro.
Oh, one last exciting thing. I finally finished my song. I'll give you a sample: Here is the chorus.
The song is called "Your Mystery"

My suspicions, won’t take You away from me
My inhibitions, they fall like the weight from a stone
You lead my heart away from that ever-evil fool
Somehow this, my faith still shines like a diamond to You

Oh, how it deepens
Oh, how it deepens

Your mystery
Keeps me keeping on
Your mystery


OK, so I gave you more than just the Chorus, but that is is the first verse, after my oh so sweet introduction on the piano. I just feel like it sounds like a song I know, but then again, most music tends to sound the same.

Lying

So, I have come in contact with many people that are liars. Its interesting to me that these people do not even notice themselves lying or aware of the fact they are lying. But then I guess that is the nature of a human being. Believing in something so much that they believe that it is true. The way that battered women still love their abusive husbands, how people lie about their relationships saying "everything is wonderful" when it really isn't. Why do people lie?
If and when I lie, it is to cover up something I did wrong, to hide this mistake, or hide a lie of a previous mistake until I am finally found out and there is no need to lie because everyone knows the truth.
People lie to make themselves seem better than they are: lie about how they got that bruise, lie about what is really going on in their life, saying everything is great, with the characteristic high pitched ending that gives away a liar. Sometimes it is a selfish thing, bragging in a way about something that they do not have.
Then there are the liars that lie to make their world better, by not telling their friends everything, to not burden them, to make them not seen as broken or torn apart. Lies to protect certain people, like when a mother tells their young child that their father died rather than tell them the truth that he left them or is in prison.
Then there are the liars that lie to hurt people. My only knowledge of these type, as far as I know, they do not know that they are actually hurting people. They think they are lying for the better, but in the end, their lies just hurt more than they can help. I guess that is almost all types of lying.

The reason I am talking about lying is because of a once friends' status on Facebook. For the sake of his rights to privacy, I will not say his name. "______ is BLACK!!!!!!!!! and is loving it and cant stand people who think i lie too them when im not!" He is actually talking to me, and instead of talking to me about it, he put this up on his Facebook for all the world to see. I understand that I did it to, but it was not geared at any specific person, it was just saying how I felt at the time. I said that I "am broken. Does that make you people happy?" I understand that this was rather harsh, but it is how I felt at the time, that I was being attacked on a personal level. The only thing I have to say to everyone of my friends, and I mean all of them, God bless all of your lives. I really do hope that He will do this, listen to my prayer, and bless all of you.

Problems again

So, I heard that some of my friends are mad at me. Something about overstepping the boundries of friendship. I am not really sure what it is, but I have some guesses:
It could be with her ex-boyfriend. But I am sorry Ashely, I will not drop a friend just because she broke up with him. He is still one of my friends, and I told him something before I could even tell her. Maybe thats what ended them, because I trusted him more with my secret than I could with her. I just find it easier to trust guys as friends than girls, because I have had them hurt me before, and currently.
Acutally that is my only guess, and if it is right, I don't know what I am going to do.

Lame is me

So, it is a Sunday, I have no homework, and its a beautiful day out, and I am inside, alone, on my computer listening to loud music. I don't know what to do, because doing stuff is even more lame. Maybe I'll start calling everyone I know that is here that I haven't already talked to...
Ooh, exciting news, I am going to be a god-mother. I am so excited. I found out earlier today. I can't wait. I am going to be one of the best god-mothers ever! I just can't tell anyone about it back home, Becca's she want to wait and surprise everyone in a few weeks.

Essay Done!!!

Mary Guida
Anthropology 113-02

The Purity of Culture and Race

In Hall’s piece “Old and New Identities, Old and New Ethnicities”, he believes that questioning identity has returned to him and the people of Britain. People are beginning to question themselves with one of the most philosophical questions in the world: Who am I? Self-identification is one of the most philosophical and psychological problem people face today. Being able to identify who you are as a person is brought up in politics and in cultures. It is the basis of many people’s belief. Hall wants to address identity in an existential reality because he believes that “the logic of the language of identity…” is how we can answer that question (Hall 145). But that question is becoming harder to answer as history goes along. Hall brings up the works of Marx and Freud, and in a way, how they made it very complicated to know who you are as a person by “knocking from sideways… [and] from underneath (Hall 145). Even language is not a form of identification, according to Saussure, because “Language was there before you” (Hall 145). According to Hall, identity is “…saying that this here is the same as that, or we are the same together…” (Hall 146). With the introduction of “the Other” we have people that do not belong with “us”. The other is the outside point of view (Hall 147). Hall then states that he is not an immigrant, but an emigrant. He never really left home. He then continues on to describe how people would try not to be racist (by not saying black) and try to guess where he was from, but he did identify himself as “black”. He started to belong to this grouping of people, and now seeing from the black community other things. He became an outsider in a different way because his point of view has changed.
In Rosaldo’s “Border Crossings” he starts this chapter by saying that each culture is unique and cannot be measured by its value in other societies. From an outsiders view, it may look dull and simple, but to the person living it, it could be lavish and full of life. Another issue that he first states in this section of his book is that people see other cultures are visible or invisible, as “rich” or “poor” (Rosaldo 197). The countries that use the terms of visibility are Mexico, the Philippians and the United States. Visibility seems to be related with full citizenship, as in “when one increases, the other decreases” (Rosaldo 198). When a person becomes a citizen, they are a “culturally blank slate” (Rosaldo 201). According to Rosaldo’s teacher, the Philippians are culturally poor. In order to have “rich” culture, it needs religion, and “ancestral high culture”. One example Rosaldo gives is in the Philippians, minorities that are citizens do not have culture where as the lowlanders do not have citizenship, but have culture. Another correlation with the amount of culture a group of people has is the status a person has on the social ladder within the minority group. For most of the countries, it seems the higher up the social ladder a person or group is, the more culture they have. However, in the Philippians, it seems that this does not “fit” into this same hypothesis. It seems that at the very bottom of the social ladder, the Negritos and Ilongots do not have “culture”. Then as you move up, the more cultured the people get, but as you get toward the top, it reverses, and the higher up it is, the less culture a person has. The reasoning behind the reversal, according to Rosaldo, is that “cultural stripping” happens and people become “incorporated into the nation state as peasants and workers” (Rosaldo 201). Rosaldo states that people that live in the “borderlands” are either very cultural in one culture, or “multi-cultural” and practice different types of customs (Rosaldo 207). People identify themselves through their culture, which can include customs, traditions and practices. They may seem strange from an outsider, but they are important to the individual in today’s society.
In Sanjek’s “The enduring inequalities of race”, he is showing how race has influenced the social order since Europe started to expand its empires. Before that, racism was based on the people’s customs, not the color of their skin (Sanjek 3). People believe that these races are due to nature and the social order that happens because of one’s race is “…based on ‘real’ differences among ‘real’ races” (Sanjek 2). Racist people have the mindset of “we’re better than them” (Sanjek 2), and that shows, through slavery, casting system, even the ability to get a job in today’s modern society. Even though racism is “better” than it was, there is still a lot of racism out there, because as long as people see color and label people, racism will remain.
In Sacks’s “How Jews became white folk”, Jewish people in the early 1900’s were not considered ‘white’ in the United States. Her parents were first generation during the 1930’s, and the anti-Semitism in the United States did not surprise them. However, the Untied States changed once World War II started because the Jewish people became “…model middle-class white suburban citizens” through “…the best affirmative action program…” (Sacks 113). Sacks then goes through a bit of history and how each wave of immigration brought out new racism because the people did not “…disperse and blend” (Sacks 113). With this lack of dispersion, the people created their own communities based on their cultures. With this brought ghettos and urban areas, which were not suitable for the ‘white’ people, thus creating inequalities and in a way, a modern cast system with the terms middle-class, upper class, and lower class (which most immigrants were).
When I ask people who they are, some answers I hear are a name, a religion, an ethnic group or political group. People associate themselves with these titles without actually answering the question. They put out their “false selves” forward by answering the question in that way (Hall 145). In Rosaldo’s piece, he says people identify with a specific culture and that other cultures can be “rich” or “poor”, and “visible” or “invisible” because of it. In order for a person to feel a sense of belonging, sometimes a culture was given up because outsiders saw ‘their’ culture as insignificant. This happened a lot back when immigration to the United States was at its peak, it was the socially acceptable thing to lose one’s own culture in order to adapt to the culture of “America”. Fortunately this did not last long, and people from the same back round would live in the same communities and in turn form their own customs and “cultural” values. This change is how the United States is referred to as a “melting pot” of cultures, because people try to hold on to them instead of becoming a blank slate like the generations before them. Hall brings up this need for a “melting pot” by saying, “It is the crucial moment of the rediscovery or the search for roots” (Hall 148). However, according to Sacks, Jewish people are loosing their culture and “…becom[ing] white folk” (Sacks 113). One thing that has really annoyed me is the constant use of the word “nigger”. Personally, I feel that if that word is slander. I do not like the use of the word, because it has history of having a negative connotation. However people in today’s society use it, and it “classifies” people, and according to Sanjek, this classification is, in a way, a form of racism.

Problem

So, some interesting developments in my life. I just found out that one of my friends' ex-boyfriends likes me. I don't know what to do, because he is a really great guy, but I see him as a friend (and I told him that too), but he asked me if I find him attractive, which I do, but it doesn't mean I really like him, you know? Attraction can not be the only thing. I think I would rather just stay friends with him right now. Plus I have a guy right now, no matter how annoying he is at times, wanting something I don't want to give up and such. I don't think I would leave Alex if David (the friend's ex) asked me out. I don't know. He's is just such a great friend and I think under the circumstances I don't like him, but I think if I wasn't dating someone else right now I would date him, I think. The friend ex thing doesn't really bother me because she broke up with him, so it changes the rules of engagement in terms of dating an ex. Right now, we will remain friends, party buddies, hanger outers, like Sean and I are, and Mardig and I (really really really amazing guy friends).

4.13.08

So, basically I have putting off writing my essay, and now I am starting to realize that there are benifits to that. I had class today and my teacher decided he didn't have enough time next week to read them all, so it is not due till the week after next week. Here everyone in class was like, "So, my essay is done, and I spent all last night doing it so I could party this weekend" and I was like "I haven't started mine" because I don't plan to party this weekend. And then the teacher makes his annoucment. I guess that means that they get to relax for the next week, where as I will be writing, but not I get to spend more time on it than just this weekend. But more than likely I will try to finish it this weekend anyways. I'll post it later, so ya'll know what I'm talking about. It probably won't make any sense though, because we have to read these articles and clips from books to base our essay on. But, I'll put it up anyway....
Thats what is new, now I have to read for my next class, American Indian Studies in Literature. Its interesting, but so not worth all the reading.

My First Blog

So, since my life is so crazy, and I don't really have a diary anymore, I decided that I wanted to start a blog. I don't really have much to talk about right now, but I will update you on the most important things going on right now.
My mother has a condition where she cannot see out of one of her eyes, and when she can, it is like a kaleidoscope (kind of like the Beatles song "the girl with kaleidoscope eyes". I feel like she and my father know what it is (and maybe my sister too), and they are not telling me to keep me from being stressed out about it and what not. But not knowing is even worse, because I feel like I am more stressed about it not knowing, because there are a bunch of possibilities of what it could be, which is scary.
Other than that I have a guy who is either not there or looking for something that I won't give (duh! he's a guy!).
I am currently in college, at CSU Chico. Yes, the party school, but I have found a way to have fun without going out every single night. Its called hanging out with friends in room, going out to eat and, once in a while, a themed party (so worth all the drunk people).
Other than that, I am in band, and I am starting to enjoy being in a band again. Last year (senior year) I was in a band called YPSO, and it literally made me start hating to play music. It was just too formal and too demanding. Plus you had to be perfect in every sense, and I wasn't. I am just good at trombone, not great, like other people in the orchestra. It was too prestigious (if that exists). Maybe just too prestigious for me. So, I was glad when the season was over, and all I had to do was play for my band in school, which was basically over because I was a senior. I went out on a limb this year in college, and I decided to join the Jazz II Ensemble (since YPSO was Orchestral). But then I started not wanting to go to that. I thought it was just because it was at night (and I was used to playing Jazz in the morning). But then I found out I did not like the director (his teaching styles, or maybe the fact he was trying to teach, and not let us play). It was a great band; members of the community came to play with the band, and our tenor sax player! Oh my goodness! He is amazing! Then this semester I decided to do Jazz again, because there was going to be a new instructor (turned out it was one of the music education students, and he was teaching it as his final project). Tanor let us play, and experiment, and just enjoy ourselves. I did miss class once in a while, but I guess I can blame my guy, and wanting to hang out with him.
Other than that, I am about to finish my first year in college, and I will be signing up for my next courses next year. It is exciting, and happening so fast. I have to just get through the next 6 or so weeks, and then I am out for summer.
I have a place to live next year. I am living with Melissa and Lian. It is going to be so much fun. When we are just hanging out, it’s just going to be really fun and awkwardly entertaining. I will be cooking which is going to be wonderful! And having my own room will be so great.
Oh, so roommate this year. Ugh! I am so sick of her. She gets these stupid reasons not to talk to me. For example: snoring. Yes, I snore, and openly admit it, and yet, she can't get over it, and now she starts complaining to our other suite mates. It’s just so wrong. If she does make it on America's Next Top Model, she is going to be a Jeda, Dominique, Lisa, or any of the other ones that were really annoying and are going to be hated by all the girls. (Yes, she is really skinny and taller than me; I am just under six feet). At least we will know that if she does make it, she will not be shy or uncomfortable with her height (Sara, I want to say season 7...?).
That’s what is going on with my life. CSU Chico. Go Wildcats!